Wakey wakey... rise and bile

President Bigly woke up Saturday morning at his weekend Power House and immediately reached for his phone. Screetch had provided him with some alternative facts to deflect the Attorney General scandal and he'd spent the night chewing over just how he could implement them.

His first flutter at 4:35 AM was to accuse ex-President Hendrix of tapping Bigly Tower before the election. The day was obviously going to go downhill from this point as in typical Bigly bluster fashion he wasn't waiting for any proof. Following up with another flutter at 4:52 AM about the issue, he was then distracted for a flutter about the Borisland ambassador visiting the Power House 'lots', and then he returned to his first grudge of the morning with a few more flutters on topic and finally at 5:02 AM referring to ex-President Hendrix as a sick cat.

A spokesperson for ex-President Hendrix denied that any wire-tapping had taken place, and this is of course a provable fact—unlike President Bigly's mindless accusations. The uncorroborated wire-tapping story was initially broken by Creitfart News, the website that Pickle used to run before he advanced to the role of Bigly puppeteer chief strategist.

Political commentator Salem Colpurr:

"I can't help feeling that we are all living in an alternate reality with a president completely devoid of intelligence, class, or political ability. There is no doubt that the president's cognitive decline is increasing with each passing day."

On a lighter note Furnie, the former Calipawnia governor, quit The Post-Bigly Celebrity Apprentick TV show blaming Bigly's poison for its low ratings. He cited too much baggage and regurgitated Bigly furballs for its ability to move on from the orange flutterer who had formerly presented it. President Bigly—unable to let anything go—tweeted that Furnie wasn't voluntarily leaving, but was of course unable to provide any factual evidence.

Political commentator Salem Colpurr:

"But there is some good news folks, it was announced today that by the end of 2018 private Purrican citizens will be able to go into space for a slightly longer than the typical day-trip out.

"While the identities of the first two Purricans to sign up are anonymous there are rumours that Kitty might have paid for a one-way ticket for President Bigly as a Valentine's gift—or a parting 'up yours' gesture as she's thus far been unable to break the cast iron prenuptial agreement she signed."

One notable success today was that after President Bigly's statement he would be increasing military spending it gave a big boost to Jhinese employment. Jhina announced that they would be increasing their military spending by 7% to counteract the USofP threat. There were mass Jhinese parades and celebrations all praising Bigly for giving them a legitimate reason to provide Jhinese cats with more jobs, more reason to accumulate weapons, and more opportunities to parade their military might.

Political commentator Salem Colpurr:

"With Bigly still fluttering in the early hours of each morning—when most sane cats are in bed, I have to ask how much longer can he keep this up? I'll have to do a fact check but is insanity a reason for successful impeachment?"